Happy 2009!

It's time to bid farewell to 2008 and say hi to 2009.

2008 is not a peaceful year. With the disaster such as cyclone and earthquake, bombing attack and economic slowdown, we really hope 2009 is a prosperous year that can bring peace, joy and stability to this world.

With the coming of a brand new year, let's leave all the sadness, troubles, unhappiness behind. The best is yet to come.

Happy new year!!

ps: Not attending any new year party. It's only me and my sister, watching the new year party show on the TV. Sigh...i will miss the fireworks in London this year.

Merry Christmas!

Still remember last year's Christmas at St Paul's Avenue, London.

Me, MK, CJ and a christmas tree.

This year - nothing! No Christmas tree at home.

Boring!!!

Merry Christmas guys!

因为爱上了

朋友都在问我，值得吗？
听一听杨千桦的，因为爱上了，
也许你就会了解我的心情。。。


也许是你修长的手指尖
也许是你突然笑起来的感觉
轻靠着你的肩
我已经不在乎靠不住的永远

有时候不知不觉会流泪
有时候觉得对你完全不了解
寂寞很安全
但我宁愿冒险
看不到的明天只要看得到你

因为爱上了什么都舍不得
为了爱心疼说真的我很快乐
你也许不会是我牵着手走到最后的人
那又如何
思念是诚实的

因为爱上了什么都原谅了
爱到哪一天自己都不敢保证
我们之外的别人
不会懂我这样的选择
那又如何

虽然有时在怀里
你的眼神远远的
我没有多问

我就是爱上了
我就是认真了
有什么不对呢


不是不放手，是放不下。。。
我的理智已被蒙蔽，
我选择随心逐流，
缘已尽，梦醒时，
想不放手，也不行了。。。

Happiness

I am very sentimental lately. Although i am home with my family and friends, something seems to be missing.

I am only seeking for happiness. It seems to be the hardest things to pursue at the moment.

Am i asking for too much? No, i am not.

I am very persistent and determined in getting what i want. I will not give up without putting any effort. For me, succumbing to your own fear without trying is a real coward. And i will never ever be that coward!

No doubt, the journey to happiness is patchy. I stumble, i weep and i bleed. This is not gonna bring down my spirit. When all the wounds are healed, i will set off again.

I am not wiser, braver or more courageous than you. I just purely want to pursue my happiness. It's my life that i want to live to the fullest although the price of it ie sadness, disillusion, setback will soon come along.

To all my blog readers, if you are struggling in your life no matter what it is, please keep marching and don't flag and succumb that easily. If you still have the stamina, keep running! You will find a way out. You will definitely find the happiness that you are looking for.

Let's march together!

One two, one two, one two three...

Lol

I am poisoned...

Miss you very much...

I am struggling right now if i should let you how much i miss you.

How much will this help?

There isn't any right or wrong answer.

It's only a piece of delicate heart that still wants to run towards you no matter what had happened.

I am poisoned...

Missing you is the every single breath of my pain

想念是会呼吸的痛　它活在我身上所有角落
哼你爱的歌会痛　看你的信会痛　连沈默也痛

遗憾是会呼吸的痛　它流在血液中来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛　恨不懂你会痛　想见不能见最痛

梁静茹 会呼吸的痛

Missing you,

You said it's hard,

If this is what you want, i will respect your decision,

As long as you are safe and healthy,

I wouldn't ask for more.

Sorry

Trying to salvage the relationship, I push both of us too hard. The more pushy I am, the more distant you are.

I am very sorry, I didn't mean to make things difficult for you. I just try to make this relationship work. I seem to be wrong.

I won't grab this relationship as firm as I can from now on. It makes both of us suffocated.

Hopefully, it's not too late.

I'll be thankful no matter what happens.

I am glad that it's you and not others

How???

It's so bitter, knowing that walking away is the best thing to do and yet i can't take the actual action.

I want to keep going but all i got is rejection, rejection and more rejections.

Why am i so persistent? I really find myself annoying.

Unless i meet someone who really loves me, otherwise i am destinied to be stumbled along the way.

I am cursed.

A wedding on a sunny Sunday

I attended my cousins brother's wedding last weekend. It was pretty joyful and happening where i got to meet most of my relatives.

At the groom's house.

Me and MK ~ How's our new look?

Me and my lovely sister ~ She said she is Jolin Cai (Taiwanese singer) number two! What do you think?

Two of my handsome cousins ~ CJ and Chun Xiong

My uncles and daddy (third from the left)

My aunties and mum (second from the left ~ back)

Here's the bride and the groom ~ Grant and Eve.

My family with Grant and Eve.

Group picture.

We didn't seem to look at the camera as they were too many cameras at one time when this picture was taken. Lol

How can i not take a picture with my best travel mates? Aren't we looking much more better? London seems to treat us badly. Lol

MK, my sister and i were the receptionists at the wedding dinner because of our oustanding look. Lol. Don't you agree?

Me and my sister

Can anyone tell me who are these two pretty ladies?? Anyone? Lol

We tried to take as many pictures as we can before the arrival of the guests. Haha...

Receptionist 1. Miss Faye.

Receptionist 2. Miss MK.

Receptionist 3. Miss Feiyong! Oh! I looked so swollen in this picture. :( Who's the photographer of this picture? It's Miss Faye!!!! Pig!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the arrival of the three gorgeous receptionist!!

Don't ask us what we were doing! It's dodgy!

The stage.

My cousins, sister and i enjoying the delicious food.

My cousin in law ~ Eve, is the most happiest bride on that day. My cousin brother surprised her by singing a song and giving her 99 roses. What would you ask for more?

What is marriage? A legal contract to bind two persons? A symbol of undying love? You must love that person so much to decide spending the rest of your life with him/her. How can this last?

Not everyone is blessed in love. However, i pray that Grant and Eve will live happily ever after.

What about you Feiyong? Where's your love?

I don't know...i wonder if i ever find that person in my life. Which one is the best? To love or be loved? If both of you are in love, that's the best...

I shouldn't ask for more as we both love each other? Don't we? Or, i am deceiving myself again? You never love me before?

May god bless all of you to find someone that you can hold your hand till the end of the day...

不捨

Regardless of the tears that dropped, disillusions that stabbed at my heart. I am still thinking of you. I don't believe and refuse to believe what had happened.

If i were wise enough, i should have made the decision long time ago. I choose to be dumb.

I am deceiving myself.

I need someone to give me a real slap, to wake me up from this dream that will never come true.

不管泪流了多少，
心痛了几回，
都不能将你逐出脑海，
我蒙蔽了双眼，
欺骗着自己，
沉倾在一个永不会实现的梦，

心不捨，放不开，
因为我已爱上你。。。

I quit

I am not feeling well lately. Feeling giddy and dizzy. My head is spinning around constantly. It must be the consequences of stretching myself to the maximum over the last few days in London. My body seems to protest violently. Yeah...i will see the doctor asap, okie? Lol

It's a bright and sunny morning. The sky is so blue and the bird is chirping. However, it doesn't seem to bring peacefulness to my heart.

I had a sleepless night. My minds keep flashing what you have done. Whenever i think of that, my heart weeps and bleeds.

Standing in the coldness, weeping and waiting is not the worst. Ditching my calls and texts knowingly regardless how tearful i am in wanting you to get back to me is the worst nightmare for me.

I am just a fool. Never ever realizing you are merely seeking for a company to satisfy your selfishness and loneliness. I am too naive to believe you will cherish me with all your heart.

Would you stop breaking my heart? I owe nothing to you! Nothing! I don't deserve all these!!!

As you wish.

I quit.

This should be the best christmas present for you and me.

How would you feel?

Imagine when you really liked someone and would like to do stuff together with him, only realizing he never considers you to be part of his plan? How would you feel?

Imagine when someone told you he likes you and wants to spend time with you, you thought he meant getting a girlfriend. After falling for him, you realize he might just want to find a company to satisfy his selfishness and loneliness. How would you feel?

Imagine when you liked someone and would like to stay in touch. After reading the email that he sent, knowing that he doesn't want to stay touched, knowing that he won't seem to put any efforts, knowing that if you don't put efforts, the feelings will be gone, how would you feel?

Imagine if you were me writing this heart broken entry, you couldn't weep as the tears were dried, how would you feel?

How would you feel?

I will and i won't

A friend told me to pursue what i want.

If you know that there won't be any happiness at the end, how i can pursue what i want? If you know that you are the only one who is putting the efforts, how i can pursue what i want?

I will learn to put on a mask. A mask to hide my emotions.

I will imprison all my passion, as you will not cherish.

I won't think of you anymore, as you are not thinking of me...

Back home

Yes...i am back to Malaysia.

It's bloody hot and humid.

I start missing the weather in London.

I am still very fatigue and fragile.

A bit insecure and lost, wondering where i am heading.

So much to share with you guys!

Just be patient.

I will tell you my stories one by one.

Tired

I am really tired.

Still packing my stuff back home.

I thought things get better but it isn't the case.

The difference will always be there if you don't change.

This will erase all the efforts we put in.

I can never be part of it.

We are just dragging.

I am losing my stamina.

I have stretched myself to the maximum.

I can't seem to run towards you again.

I just need the courage to end all these.

I choose to walk away

You don't know what i want and you can't give what i want.

I choose to walk away...

My 27th birthday

Birthday cake from Belinda and Ian

Belinda, Ian, Dave and me dining in an Indian restaurant on my birthday

These were the presents/cards that I received for my 27th birthday.

Victoria’s Secret Pink-Body lotion, fragrance and lip gloss. MK, CJ, you guys really know what I like.

I still haven’t got over the dissolution of our fellowship. This will be continued on 23/11/08, I promise.

Beckham’s fragrance.

Belinda, thanks for the gift. Not to mention the birthday cake and dinner. It warmed my heart on that chilly night.

Birthday card and cute bear from Huey Voon and Tania

Huey Voon, you are one of those who will never forget my birthday. Your birthday greeting will always reach me no matter how far I am. Our 11 years friendship ‘ is not fake’. Lol

Tania, thanks for remembering my birthday correctly. Still remember, you ever sent a text to Fen , but the text accidentally sent to me instead, asking her when my birthday is. Lol All right! Don’t get mad! Hug Hug!

Your encouragement really makes me weep. You are one of those who will stand by me no matter what.

I also wanna thank those friends who ever sent a message or text to me. It means a lot.

I haven’t forgotten you, Dave. Lol

Thanks for the Liverpool cup. You always buy something which is out of my expectation. To be honest, I am not a Liverpool fan. I am just a fan of FIFA World Cup. However, I will cherish this cup as this is the present that you bought for me. You’ll never walk alone. I will always bear that in mind.

Also, thanks for arranging the London Eye. The view is not spectacular but the company made a different.

We might not be able to hold hands till the end of the days. I truly glad that you ever become part of my life.

Thank you to all of you.

It's a warmth and heartfelt birthday.

NEVER EVER!

I will never ever get over what happened last night. It’s a massive slap on my face. You have betrayed the trust that I have on you.

Make me stand in the coldness, drip the tears and wait for you are the best gift that you ever give me.

I will never ever forget what you have done.

NEVER!

Bitter differences

Feeling bitter.

Am i too demanding, or you are too opinionated.

The arguments really make me weary.

If we can't agree and compromise,

We'll never make it...

It's me NOT you

It’s time to leave all the sincerity, passion and genuineness behind. It won’t do me any good rather than leaving disillusion, sadness and heartbreak.

I don’t want to be a fool anymore. I won’t let you rule my minds, soul and heart again. I will extinguish the passion, affection and desire that ever lifted my spirit. All the feelings will be imprisoned and frozen indefinitely. I’ll be emotionless, impassive and sensible from now on.

Don’t you get assuming and invincible after tasting only a portion of the candy. You have no idea who your master is. Yeah, it’s me, who gives you the chance to taste the candy that you can only dream on.

I’ll show you how capable I am to mesmerise and infatuate someone based on the qualities I have.

I'll prove that i am the one who takes control and NOT YOU.

So long, farewell

The toughest, loneliest and saddest weekend ever in London!

MK and CJ finally bid farewell to London and back to Malaysia for good.

From the moment that I stepped into the flat after seeing them off, emptiness, sadness and loneliness started creeping in. The fear of being alone and left behind is so distinct which made me suffocated.

Why am I here? What am I doing here? I wouldn’t stop questioning myself. I should have gone back with them, leaving all the sadness, heartbreak and frustration behind.

I wanted to stop battling. The unsettled heart really drove me to the edge of the cliff. However, I need to grit my teeth to keep fighting. I need to make sure that I am going back home in one piece. I need to make sure that my beloved family and friends see the confident and brightest me back to their arms. Hence, I can’t be that selfish! I can’t just think of myself. They are so many people caring for me, eagerly waiting for me to get reunited. Just because of that, I will take very good care of myself. I will pick up the pieces bit by bit although some pieces are already lost somewhere…

I will be strong and tough for the time being. Please wait for me to come back.

Another 17 days to go….

A whisper to MK and CJ

You guys are the greatest companions despite the arguments and squabble. Sometimes, i didn't tell you my problems and worries. The presence of you guys solaced my unsettled heart. I know you guys are there. I wonder if i'll ever come here if two of you didn't.

It's really hard for the first two days. Chichele is not a home anymore. The new tenant seems to be an intruder to our house! Sorry! I can't stop having this thought. Lol

Do you still remember how excited we were when we first arrived. We were so naive and silly. A year here is really an unforgettable experience. We smiled, we cried and we laughed. It's something that shared exclusively among us. Only us!

It's a shame that we can't go back together. It's a shame that we can't mark a beautiful end to this fellowship with a lighter heart. However, we are from a blessed family. Grandmum will always watch us from heaven. We'll weather the storm.

Three cheers for MK, CJ and Feiyong

One cheers for our fellowship
Second cheers for our courage
Three cheers for our happiness

I'll see you guys fairly soon.

I'll be back in one piece. I promise...

我很好 I am fine

沙发上睡着　
孤单冷醒的破晓
冷的面条　
热的泪痕　
啤酒在苦笑

当时的煎熬　
当时的心痛如绞
天终于亮了　
遗憾终于退潮
终于能够恨不再疯
泪不再掉　
心不跑
一定会有一个人
一段新的美好

谁让我拥抱　
谁让我再一次心跳　
就算爱情让我再次的跌倒
伤痕也要是一种骄傲

谁让我拥抱
谁让我疯狂的心跳　
就算明天整个城市要倾倒
也让我爱到最后一秒

丢掉电影票
删掉信件跟合照
洗了床单　
剪了头发　
清空了烦恼

恨可以很小
小到眼泪能冲掉
我 现在很好　
可以重新起跑

终于能够恨不再疯　
泪不再掉　
心不跑
一定会有一个人　
一段新的美好

谁让我拥抱
谁让我再一次心跳　
就算爱情让我再次的跌倒
伤痕也要是一种骄傲

谁让我拥抱　
谁让我疯狂的心跳　
就算明天整个城市要倾倒
也让我爱到最后一秒

地铁涌出了人潮　
幸福涌出了预兆
我会找回当初对爱天真的霸道

谁让我拥抱　
谁让我再一次心跳　
就算爱情让我再次的跌倒
伤痕也要是一种骄傲

谁让我拥抱　
谁让我疯狂的心跳　
就算明天整个城市要倾倒
也让我爱到最后一秒

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8tlX2T-OKg

你一定要好，一定要很好！

You're fine as you always are!

A final attempt

I don't want to give up just like that.

I wanna clarify.

I wanna know if you mean it.

I wanna tell you how i feel.

I wanna know if you still care.

I wanna try one more time...

End

I never expect this to happen soon. I thought we still can reconcile and mend the relationship. I was wrong. When you decide to end this, my heartache is indescribable. I couldn't stop the tears from dripping, it's the pieces of my broken heart.

How i wish i would hold your hand and teach you to love and care. How i wish my mischievousness would make you grin again. It's not gonna happen now...

The memories that we shared will never be forgotten.

It's a beautiful collision that ever warmed and solaced my heart.

It makes me believe i still have the strength to love someone, to love someone like you...

251008

A year older and wiser. I wanna make three wishes.

I hope my family and friends are safe and healthy.

I hope i can find my way again.

I hope love will find me again.

A birthday without my family. However, it was still good with some cool friends and you celebrated for me.

My birthday will be perfect, if you have put more efforts.

I wouldn't ask for more. I just want you to spend more remaining time with me. Am i asking for too much?

You always say no, i am not asking for too much. Nonetheless, my requests are rejected again and again. Am i caring too much or you are caring too little?

I don't want to broach anymore as it's enough. More than enough!

To distance myself from this seems to be the best solution.

Things will be difference when you come back from the trip.

Crossed to the power of N!!!

Bloody crossed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are a pig! Pig head! Pig head Pig head!

Always expect me to do things without putting efforts! How would you?????????????

Do you ever realise I AM BLOODY TIRED AND EXAUSTED NOW!!

Why don't you understand??????????????????????????????????????????????????

Ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tears

Words can't describe my sadness and sorrow.

I can't feel the passion, infactuation and appreciation.

It's loneliness and desire that bring us together.

I shouldn't ask for more.

It's only one ending.

Tears.

*When you know how to love and care someone, you'll know how i feel.

Sorry...

Sorry for being wilful and bratty, i didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Will you embrace me one more time?

Scotland_Edinburgh_final part

We joined a local free tour. The tour guide, who is a Canadian, is pretty good! At least, I know a little bit of Edinburgh historic.

The free local tour

Our tour guide

It’s such a shame that I didn’t join the ghost tour. It must be damn exciting!

Isn't that eerie?

Can't remember the name of this momument. It looks pretty burnt right?

The city view of Edinburgh

Local soft drink-IRN BRU. You can't get it elsewhere but only in Scotland. The taste is lovely!

That’s my Edinburgh trip. Thank you very much.

It's only heartbreak and sadness

It's only sadness and poignance.

There won't be any happiness as i am never blessed in love.

*When your love is not reciprocated in the same manner, you'll only left with heartbreak.

Maybe it's not meant to be...

D, our relationship will be different, if you know how to love and care for someone.

Maybe, i am not the right one.

Maybe, it's not meant to be.

Maybe, that's the end.

It's you...it's just you...

You were very quiet when I met you for the first time. My first impression was ‘Gosh, he is so tall.’ We got to speak to each other near the end of the picnic. It’s the moment when I told you I love baking and cooking, your eyes revealed your secret to me.

A mutual friend of us told me that you like me. I was stunned. I never thought that you are such an expressive person when you like someone. My first thought was ‘We are not compatible. I gave it a go still as you seem to be a nice guy. The process wasn’t that impressive with misunderstanding/miscommunication hindered us from understanding each other better. You turned things around when you told me that you are good at fishing and even are able to cook a raw fish! I was really impressed! I wanted to know you more ever since…

Things went completely wrong after the kiss. It’s not the kiss that matters. It’s you, the cheeky you, the naughty you and the mischevious you who melts the deepest and darkest side of my heart.

The inexpressive and impassive you makes me wonder if I am the only one who is entangled. Maybe, you are using your own channel in telling me you like me? If yes, I will patiently and carefully listen to that. If not…I will give it a good laugh. To laugh about my silliness and foolishness.

D, would you let me know after reading this?

Emptiness and loneliness

MK and CJ have started their Euro journey this morning. It’s only me facing the emptiness and loneliness of the flat

I catch a cough due to the migration of season. It’s pretty annoying!!! I feel particularly fragile and vulnerable when I am sick. The gloomy and chilly weather really drives me despairing and depressing. I can’t help it, folks! You always know Feiyong is such an emotional animal, don’t you?

A sulky weather and a gloomy me.

It has been so long...where the hell are you? Do you hear my calling? Will you ever be here? Or you will never be here as you never exit...

Goodbye...

My disillusion and disappointment are indescribable at the moment.

This is gonna be the last straw that breaks the camel back.

Things do not seem to work out.

It's time to move on...

Goodbye...

Am i too nice???

It's getting colder, remember to wear your jumper.
It's gonna be rainy, remember to buy an umbrella.

These are few of the ways to be nice and caring to you.

You are nice. If you can be more sensitive to my emotions, i will be so happy...

A simple question such as 'are you all right?' will truely warm my heart.

A big hug can dispel my fear and insecurity.

Am i asking for too much or

Am i being taken for granted just because i am too nice?

Scotland_Edinburgh_Part 2

Our mission today is to hunt for sea monster.

Loch Ness is located at northern Scotland. It is well known for sea monster Nessie. There are rumours going around about the sighting of the monster. However, there is no conclusive evidence to prove the existence of the creature. It’s merely a myth that surrounds the beautiful highland.

The journey is long and daunting. It took us almost more than half day to reach the destination. Nonetheless, I enjoy the scenery and surroundings pretty much. It’s so tranquil and serene.

On the way to Loch Ness.

Loch Ness and Urquhart castle.

Mission failed as we didn't witness the sea monster by the end of our trip...

Rich dark chocolate cake

185g unsalted butter, chopped

250g dark chocolate bits

215g self raising flour

40g cocoa powder

375g caster sugar

3 eggs, lightly beaten

Topping:

20g unsalted butter, chopped (1)

125g dark chocolate, chopped (2)

*Mix (1) + (2) and stir well in a heatproof bowl

1. Preheat the oven to 160 celsius. Grease a 22cm springform tin. Place the butter and chocolate bits in a small bowl and melt it.

2. Sift the flavour and cocoa into a large bowl. Combine the melted butter and chocolate mixture, sugar and egg. Then, add 250ml water and mix well. Add to the flour and cocoa and stir until well combined.

3. Pour the mixture into the prepared tin and bake for 1 hour 30 minutes.

4. Serve 10-12 people.

This is the chocolate cake that i used to bake for him. I could still remember how happy he was whenever he tasted the cake. He ever told his friends this is the best chocolate cake that he has ever tried.

I have never baked this cake ever since we departed.

There's a sign.

Whenever i am in love, i feel like cooking/baking for someone.

I feel like cooking/baking for someone lately...

A sign that signifies endless sorrow and poignance.

I wish i wasn't that nice

I wish i could be sensible

I wish i could just let you go...

Scotland_Edinburgh_Part 1

I love ghost/horror stories/movies. Everything to do with paranormal phenomena and supernatural will drive my valvor.

I used to watch an American documentary introducing the most haunted place on the earth. Edinburgh is one the places.

Here i am Edinburgh.

__________________________________________________________________

The journey to Edinburgh takes 4 hours and 45 minutes. Obviously, it's time to replenish my energy. Yes, sleeping.

There were string of festivals going on by the time we arrived and the main street was flooded with tourists!!

Our 'not so budget hostel'. Donkey Hostel. (If i still remember the name correctly)

We need to pay GBP30 per night person for a room of four. Guess what? We still need to put on the bedsheet, pillow case and quilt case by our own. !"£$%^ Nonetheless, it's a nice hostel but a little bit pricey. I particulary like the interior design of this hostel. It's so colourful.

The bathroom + toilet

Our room!

It's time for lunch!!

We went to this take away shop and the food are yummy!!! Guess what i had, fish and chips!!! For those of you who knows me well, i DON'T eat FISH AND CHIPS and it's bloody oily and unhealthy. However, i broke the rules!!! Hence, i realise one thing, i only eat yummy and unhealthy food. Hehe...

The fish and chip is quite cheap! It costs five pounds + a drink.

Edinburgh castle.

A prison! This is one of the haunted place in the castle. Can you see something???

There are many dungeons in Edinburgh castle and here is one of them. It looks spooky and errie!! No wonder this castle is notoriously named as one of the most haunted castle on earth!!!

All right! We have enough of castle. Now, it's time to share with you something.

Haggis, one of the Scottish food, is made up of sheep’s heart, liver and lungs and minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices, salt, mixed with stock. To challenge myself, I tried it. I personally don’t like the taste as the smell is so distinct after having the first bite! It made me sick!! However, i strongly advise you to try as you might like it!!! :)

Night time! Party time.

We went to a fantastic club near our hostel. The club has four levels with different music played in each floor. It’s cool!!!

My mates! CJ, Thinesh, Yoland and Reuben

Tipsy Feiyong trying to be bootylicious!!!

We met some interesting Scottish in the club. There was a Scottish guy wearing a traditional Scottish skirt and a naughty lady pulled up his skirt. Yes!!!! I saw something!!! A banana and a nut!!!! Oh my gosh!!!! Hahaha…

My first day in Edinburgh.